Acceptance

We are us, we are forever, lovers, parents, best friends, life partners. We are happy. There is a level of acceptance that goes hand in hand with spending your life with a woman, a level you expect from family and friends and when you don’t receive that, it hurts. The acceptance is harder when you come out later in life, after you’ve been married and had children. I’ve been out my whole life, there was no question there, just acceptance and she’s struggling with the process with friends, family was pretty easy but the friend don’t see who she is because she had put up the front for so long. I’m so afraid of the pain she will inevitably encounter during the coming out process, that is the only thing about this that terrifies me. I know she’s mine, I know she’s in it as much as I am. I don’t worry about something happening, I’ve never felt so secure in love and I try to make sure she feels the same. This life is not easy, in no way is it easy to be an out lesbian but the love and happiness you feel by being true to yourself and openly loving who you are meant to and having a marriage and children complicates it further…but in the end, you can’t fight who you are and be happy. She finally chose to be happy and I’m blessed that it is with me. I’ve loved her for so long and the world righted itself the night I kissed her.

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Grateful

So…my wife and kids are leaving to return to San Antonio today. And my roommate moved out without paying his last week worth of rent. I understand he had to pay a lot of deposits and bills but he also lived here and used electricity, water, etc…and I have bills too. Needless to say I can’t afford food, cigarettes, my meds or gas for my car…well I don’t have to worry about food, meds or cigarettes for a while. Food is covered probably until I move, meds and cigarettes at least until I get paid. My wife just spent more on groceries for me than I spend in 2 months…I would buy the stuff she bought but I haven’t been able to afford it since I moved here. I’ve been eating amazingly cheap. I understand her concern, I weigh over 60 pounds less than I did a year ago. A lot of foods are out for me and she could have bought cheap, generic items for meals only but she bought what I can eat, in the brands I like, and a lot of it. Especially food that is easily digested and snacks I like, which is not cheap. I think it scared her that I only weigh 102.6lbs as of 2 days ago, at least I’m above 100 again. I would not have starved without the food but yes, I would have gone hungry and lived off minimal stuff that would have probably made me sick. She also bought me my medicine. My sleeping pills, which I haven’t taken in over 2 weeks because for the first time in almost a decade, I haven’t needed them. When I sleep next to her, I sleep, I fall asleep without meds and I sleep through the night. I made her 2 cds to listen to on the way home, wrote her a letter in her journal and a text. She’s making me one more dinner tonight and freezing portions of it so I can just heat and serve. At least I have Brett here with me when she leaves. And he told me he’d take care of me when she’s gone. He’ll probably sleep in my bed tonight just so I have someone there with me. I need to go get boxes, either from WalMart or Dollar General, tonight or sometime soon. I have to babysit tomorrow so I have to go to sleep early tonight. Having Sammie will be a good distraction to being without my kids and Jen. I’ll find comfort in the monkey on my bed, my rings, my necklace, her perfume and the memories of the past six weeks. Six weeks…wow…what a short time for your life to completely change. I went from completely alone to as married as I can be without a ceremony and I now have 2 kids. My daughter is old enough to realize she now has 2 moms. I’ve earned the title Mom from her. She doesn’t use it all the time, but she told my roommate that she has two moms and it’s awesome. My son has grown closer to me, we’ve bonded more. They both want me to come home, as does my wife, but hearing my kids say it and mean it is really special. I don’t know why I’m on this damn computer right now, my wife is sitting next to me and my kids are playing in the yard. I’m going to spend the time I have left with them…and write more later.

Over and over…say this is the end

I just kicked out my best friend up here. I couldn’t leave for 3 weeks and him be ok. I can’t set rules of the house and let him repeatedly break them, that is me being a doormat, setting a horrible example for my nephew and hurting me and everyone else. I gave him 30 days to find a place. I don’t think it’s unreasonable. He’s got issues he needs to work out…and I can’t provide the type of assistance he needs. It’s beyond my scope of experience. He’s always worried about upsetting me, his biggest thing is losing me and he needs to realize he will lose me if he keeps going this way.

Happy

The beach, the ocean, the sand under my feet, the beautiful woman, my best friend walking next to me, the wonderful children running into the water, the smile on his little face when that first wave knocked him down, the giggles, the peace in his eyes as he stared at the vast expanse of blue. I got lost, I forgot about everything except that moment and all the love that surrounded me. I was safe, with my family, my heart was so full. I’m so in love with this little family. I’m finally at peace.

Back in Texas…and the shit has already hit the fan

I flew into Austin yesterday, got picked up by my best friend, Jen and the kids. It is so HOT here! I got off the plane and was like “I can’t breathe!”. It’s ok though, I’ll acclimate. My granny was put into a nursing rehab facility. My family down here are jackasses. My brother is a DICK, his wife is a BITCH. He doesn’t know granny one bit. Stupid mother-fucker. I almost jumped over my granny’s bed and punched the living shit out of him. I didn’t say or do anything because well, I wasn’t there to upset grandma, nor was I there for myself, I was there for her. She doesn’t need the fighting. He talked shit about our MOTHER! Even if you don’t like her, you don’t talk shit about her. Ever. Have some damn respect for your parents. He’s such a “proper Catholic” yet he doesn’t seem to understand anything about kindness, the Golden Rule, love, forgiveness or understanding. He’s a dick. He upset me, broke my heart again (I should be used to it)…My BP has been high all day. I need to relax, I should be happy to be on vacation, and I do have fun with Jen and the kids. I love being with them. But I miss my boyfriend, my dogs, my parents and nephew. Yes, I’ve got a boyfriend. He was just my roommate but things developed. Besides his past, which he has done damn good at moving forward away from the detrimental parts and I’m proud of him for it, the need to hide a relationship with me was another problem and now that it is gone, we’re good. I don’t want him to come out to his mother until he is comfortable and we are together longer. I know the reactions a parent can have and I don’t want him to get hurt, hell, I’m not even telling my parents right now, my sexuality confuses them immensely. I miss him, miss his way of taking care of me, listening to me when I am upset, rubbing my back until I fall asleep, even spooning with me. Kinda crazy I went from a lesbian to a gay man. I do fit the part…Anyway, I’m getting sleepy, thanks to the meds. On the bright side, I did go bowling today with the kids, Jen and her mom. It was awesome.

mental hell

I’ve slipped into depression/self harmful behavior. I should have seen it coming. Not doing laundry. Not putting it up when I do it. Letting my nightstand become a disaster. Not eating because the stress upsets my stomach. And the thoughts of cutting/punching things are on the surface. I know I can not do anything of the sorts because I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I just don’t feel safe or happy in my own home. I don’t want him here anymore. I dread being home. I need to go to San Antonio. I want him out of my house. But, as I sit here crying like a child, what can I do about it? Tell someone? Uh, no. Then I’m not “stable” and they’ll freak out or tell me I’m overreacting. Well, just cause something doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. I had fun today with my nephew, while we were at the Walk, while we were with his brother and sister-in-law, while we rode bikes, while the roommate was gone. That’s when the fun stopped. When he got back. I’m going to turn off the lights, say a prayer for peace, health and stability, maybe read on my Kindle, maybe just watch tv. I’ve been awake since 7am. I’m done. I need sleep and maybe some answers will come.

Texas…

I need to go to Texas. There is a woman. A woman I should have found years ago. She is everything I looked for for years. She has a man who takes her for granted. I can treat her better. There is my sister who needs me. Supposedly this woman says my sister has a hold on me and I can’t be with her because of that. She is my sister, my family. I don’t know where she was going with this cause she was drunk and not making much sense. I don’t know how I can pay to get down there. But I need to go. Or, I could ignore every gut feeling and just continue living life up here without giving myself the chance to see what’s in Texas.

My oldest nephew totalled his truck today. He is ok, thank God his pregnant wife wasn’t in the car. I’ve given my car to him so he can get to work and back without a problem until they fix his extra car that is broke down at his dad’s house. I have the MS Walk in less than 7 hours and need to get some sleep. 

My roommate needs to go. I try to be cordial at least, thank him for cleaning the kitchen, etc…I get no response. I say something and he turns on his headphones. I tried to make this easier, he isn’t attempting even acting cordial or at least decent. I’ve been done with this shit. He was supposed to give me $60, haven’t seen it. Guess he found my blog, well, good for him. I hope he realizes that in all my blogs, I bitch about everything that bugs me, regardless of who it is.

Goodnight.

 

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